Wednesday, October 30, 2013

How To Properly Clean Yourself For Anal Sex (ADULT BLOG!)

Its a well-accepted fact that if you are going to partake in anal sex, you may encounter feces. Everybody wants to go downtown to brown-town, but not everybody relishes (interesting word choice) being knee-deep in poo (or balls deep, as it were). Many people refuse to have anal sex, because they are worried they will drop a big old Cleveland steamer on their boyfriends junk, and he will never be able to look at them in the eye (or the brown eye) again. Ask anyone who is spiritually enlightened and they will tell you that it often does feel like you might evacuate your dance-floor when you are getting plowed up the pooper, but most of the time that is not the case. So how do we assure that we will be squeaky clean for our anal adventure?

1.) Douche: This is the most popular method of cleaning out your asshole. They even do it in hospitals, so you know it’s legit. It involves buying an enema at your local drug store (find one with a self-checkout unless you have no shame. Bravo to that), inserting the tube up your ass, and shooting water or saline into your colon to flush yourself out. A friend of mine used to douche so much she used a regular old water bottle. How? I have no clue. Then, you will have about 20-30 minutes of ass vomiting, which I find pretty uncomfortable. I was lucky enough to be born naturally clean, so I have only used an enema once, and then it was just as an experiment. To me, it was as annoying as having to explain to your boyfriend why there is a corn kernel stuck to his shaft.

2.) Starve yourself beforehand- The math behind this method is simple. If you don’t eat anything, you won’t shit on anyone’s dick. Side effects of this method are extreme glamour, weight loss, and an attitude so bitchy you aren't likely to agree to anal sex in the first place. But, if you are an African, or trying to make it in the modeling industry you are probably used to starving yourself anyway, so this may be the best method for you.

3.) Drop a deuce 20 minutes before- I have a friend who used to get up every morning, drink a cup of coffee, and lay his morning turd before his boyfriend would even wake up. This is the equivalent of a woman waking up, sneaking out of bed, and putting on makeup so her boyfriend never finds out she actually looks like a fucking gorgon. This method is pretty effective, especially if you know beforehand that someone is going to try and sneak in your back-door. The only downside is that sitting on a toilet doing Lamaze while your boyfriend waits in the other room with a slowly deflating hard-on isn’t exactly the best foreplay.
Follow these handy instructions, and you can safely enjoy anal sex without worry about any bullshit (or human shit) showing up and ruining the party. If all else fails, soak a feather duster in Lysol, shove it up your glory hole, and do the twist. Just don’t be surprised if your boyfriend comments on your lemony fresh stinker, turns to the camera, and winks.

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